Change takes time
People rarely change their behaviour all at once. Professionals describe stages that many people go through several times. Feeling torn is normal: the reasons for and against a change are already within the person. If you only argue for the change with them, you often achieve the opposite.
Stages of change
- Precontemplation“It’s not a problem.”
- Contemplation“I really should, but …”
- Preparation“I’m planning something.”
- Action“I’m changing something right now.”
- Maintenance“I’m sticking with it.”
Relapses are part of it: many people go through the stages several times before a change lasts. Help works best when it matches the stage.
How to raise it
Should I say something?
What speaks for it
- You want to help.
- You want to stop things getting worse.
- Asking does no harm.
What makes you hesitate
- I could be wrong.
- It could strain our relationship.
- I don’t want to interfere.
- I don’t feel up to it.
Feeling both is normal, and the other person often feels the same. You can say both: “I don’t know if I’m right, but I’m worried about you.”
The right moment
Usually a good time
- You are both sober.
- It is quiet, you have time and won’t be disturbed.
- You have thought beforehand about what you want to say.
Usually not a good time
- The person has just used cannabis.
- You are arguing, or you are upset yourself. Better to wait until later.
- Other people are listening.
- Think beforehand about what worries you and what you want to say. If you use cannabis yourself, think about your own use first, because you will probably be asked about it.
- Choose a calm moment when you are both sober, and a place where you won’t be disturbed.
- Use ‘I’ statements and describe what you have observed, without blame: “I’m worried because I’ve noticed that you hardly go out any more.”
- Talk about the behaviour, not the person.
- Ask open questions, listen, let them finish. No lecturing, no diagnosis.
- Ask before you give advice: “Can I tell you what comes to mind?” Unsolicited advice usually doesn’t get through.
- Expect defensiveness and don’t take it personally. You don’t have to push anyone into admitting anything.
- Acknowledge what is going well and what the person has already tried.
- Offer support. If it fits, agree on something concrete that can be checked, such as a second conversation in a week. The decision to change lies with the person.
What makes a conversation work
Empathise, don’t suffer with themTry to understand how the person is feeling, without going under yourself.
Understanding is not approvingYou can understand the reasons and still be worried.
Listen and summariseSay in your own words what you have heard. That way the person notices that they are being heard.
Let a different view standThe person may see the situation differently from you.
See strengthsTalk about what is going well and what you hope for in the future, instead of listing mistakes.
Talk to each otherTalk to the person, not to others about them.
Questions that open up a conversation
Closed: often ends with yes or no
- “Are you smoking too much weed?”
- “Have you got a problem?”
Open: invites the person to talk
- “How are you doing at the moment?”
- “What led you to it?”
- “When do you feel no need for it at all?”
- “Who or what could help you?”
- “When would be a good time for you?”
- “Tell me about it.”
You don’t have to handle this on your own. Get advice from a counselling service beforehand, or leave the conversation to someone who is closer to the person.
Your limits
There is no trick that will convince someone. Change only begins when the person sees a problem themselves. Say clearly what you will not go along with and what will happen then, and stick to it. Don’t make excuses for behaviour that harms you. Family members easily slip into patterns that tend to support the use: covering up, playing things down, taking over the other person’s responsibilities. What helps against this is getting support for yourself.
Help, for you too
Addiction counselling is free of charge, confidential and anonymous on request; counsellors are bound by confidentiality. You need neither a diagnosis nor an application nor health insurance, and counselling is expressly also there for family and friends, even if the person concerned does not want help themselves. If needed, counselling services refer you on: to detox, to therapy or to a self-help group.
- DROBS Dortmund, Reinoldistraße 17-19, 0231 477376-0, also for family members
- Sozialpsychiatrischer Dienst der Stadt Dortmund (the City of Dortmund’s social psychiatric service), Hoher Wall 9-11, 0231 50-22534, with groups for family members
- DigiSucht: online counselling by message, chat or video, free of charge and anonymous
- Sucht & Drogen Hotline: 01806 313031, daily 8 am to midnight, €0.20 per call (in German)
More services, phone and online support are listed under Finding help. You can reach our prevention officers anonymously via SimpleX or by email at [email protected].
Sources
- Finne and Paul (2026): explanatory models and models of change, BIÖG key concepts
- DHS (2021): manual for telephone counselling
- MINT: Understanding Motivational Interviewing
- DigiSucht (2024): addiction problems around you, tips for a successful conversation
- drugcom.de (BIÖG): help for family and friends
- cannabispraevention.de (BIÖG): practical tips for parents
- BIÖG (2025): cannabis information for parents
- The club’s health and youth protection concept, conversation guide
- The club’s health and youth protection concept, conversation aids
- Training of the club’s prevention officers (2024)
- DHS: addiction counselling
- City of Dortmund: social psychiatric service